light bulb theology

This post was inspired by:

1. Today's post at Monastic Mumblings, about balance between prayer, work, and rest
   
2. A burned out light bulb
   

How Christians Change Light Bulbs
A Comparative Approach

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to the change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change???

How many emergent church members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
You can't force the bulb to change. It did not CHOOSE to be burned out, it was born that way. The bulb's status should not disqualify it from the ministry.

How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
The Bible says that Jesus Christ is the light of the world. If you're getting your light from any other source, it's a sin.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

How many Unitarian Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb (or light source, or non dark resource) and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including but not limited to incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths of luminescence."

How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred and nine. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Committee Executive of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 member church Board, who appoint another 12 member Review Committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another member Review Committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favour, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7 member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware store has the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
This matter will have to be decided by the Judicial Council. Then, after they give their ruling, the real fight will begin. The General Board of Global Ministries will issue a position paper, as will the Council of Bishops, both with opposing views. The United Methodist Women will weigh in with a caution about the overcommercialization of light bulbs. Ultimately, this will be a topic of discussion at the next General Conference in 2008, where some will argue that the Book of Discipline's language on light bulbs is too restrictive and must be changed, while others will threaten to form a new denomination if the light bulb language is changed.

- author(s) unknown