you'll never believe this

This is big. Bigger than the Gospel of Judas. Bigger than The Da Vinci Code. Big. And you heard it here first.

One of my friends has a cousin who knows someone who lives across the street from an elderly gentleman whose niece works with a man whose wife is taking an archaeology class at a certain community college. It just happens that one of her classmates went to Gaza last year and met a shepherd who told her of the most amazing discovery. While looking in a cave for a lost sheep, he found an ancient manuscript with the title Magic Secrets of Jesus of Nazareth, Volume 2.

Now I know many of you are skeptical from the start, especially because this sounds like an urban legend, "friend of a friend"-type story. I understand your reluctance. But frankly, it's a matter of trust. I say, if you can't trust your family, friends, neighbors, coworkers, classmates, acquaintances, complete strangers, or some guy with a blog, then who can you trust? And if you'll look closely, you'll see that each person in the list has one of these relationships with the next. Therefore, it is safe to assume that this is fully trustworthy information. And of course you can trust me on this: They don't let just anyone publish stuff on the Internet, you know.

Anyway, the manuscript goes into detail about how to walk on water (know where the stones are), how to feed 5000 with five loaves and two fishes (hide extra fish and bread in your sleeve), and how to turn water into wine (be sure the wedding guests are really drunk). The cut-and-restore-the-ear trick has a very clever secret that I won't reveal here. Unfortunately, such feats as healing a man born blind, curing leprosy, and raising the dead are not described. Perhaps they can be found in the still-undiscovered Volume 1.

A book about this amazing discovery is due to be published early next year. It's called The Magician Code, and the movie rights have already been sold.

Anyway, this college student is going back to the Middle East this summer for more research. She's going to need some financial help, and that's why I'm posting this. If you have any extra money, let me know and I'll give you her address. Better yet, just send the check to me and I'll make sure it gets where it needs to go.

And after you've sent me your money, email this to ten of your friends. I thank you, and my friend's cousin's acquaintance's neighbor's niece's coworker's wife's classmate thanks you.